We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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