My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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