god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
