too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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