maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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