just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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