do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
