Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
