I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize