if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
