At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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