i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
