Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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