Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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