she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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