Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
