i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize