12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
