I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
