I am spending my child support on dildos
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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