haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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