You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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