Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
