I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize