the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Less talking, more tequila
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
