sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
