His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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