I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
