apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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