I heard we made out
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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