I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
