I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize