just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
