I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
