Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
