Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
