nut hugger
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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