Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
