The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
