They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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