im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
