My liver just broke up with me...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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