I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
