Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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