dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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