Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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