He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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