This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
