your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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