dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
