The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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