The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
