I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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