Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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