Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
