It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
