Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize