you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My breath smells like gin and sadness
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
