Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
